Still

This winter seems to be dragging by so slowly. We have had what we used to call a typical Iowa winter. I have nearly gone bonkers just waiting for the weather to change for the better. It does not stay any temperature for long. It gets really cold. It snows. It warms up for a few days. Then it snows or blows. Then it rains. Then it thaws and the rivers run. Not typical in my book, but it is what we get this year. I just keep holding on until.....Spring arrives. There is at least hope now!

Dreams and Opportunities

Every day I try to make the most of where I am and what I have. Still every day I feel at a loss to move forward in my Life. I have never Dreamed big Dreams. I learned early on that that was not productive. Somewhere along the line, I stopped believing I could accomplish anything. Now did this come from within? Or from moving at the wrong time in my Life, or in some word that was said in a way not intended.

I guess it does not really matter now. What matters is how I move on from here. All that I was I still am, but I know now that I am a good person who is just staggering a bit. I will NOT fall...that is no longer an option.

Growing up as a little girl all I ever remember wanting in my Life was to fall in love and have a family. Then I had a family and the true reality hit big time. Life is what happens while you are making other plans....Boy is that ever true.

Now I again want to try something new. To step outside my comfort zone. To take a chance. Try even if I fail. Lord knows I know how to do that!!!

Today was a good day in spite of my complaining. I will make it through this rough time, I will indeed. I spent time writing in my Morning Papers notebook. As I read over my information again, I realized that I must handwrite them instead of typing them here. It will not work as well if I write them here. Even though words flow out of me much easier here and I do not get writer's cramp here. I ramble on about nothing every morning upon getting up. I think Larry thinks I have lost my last Brain cell! It has to be done over and over to become a habit, just like the exercises I now feel I must do. I do not feel right if I do not do them. Today I did not do them until around 4 pm, but I did them. My consciousness is being raised again about issues outside of my immediate area. What can I do that will help me but also help others. That is the 50 million dollar question. Perhaps I will never find the answer. But, I must continue to at least look.

I picked up a job application to work in an Optical Center. I have not decided if I will fill it out and return it or not. Do I truly want to work? Especially nights and weekends again? Woe is me. To be honest I do not want to do that again, but I need to do something to stay sane. I am not sure that is possible. I have also considered applying for disability. Will ask my Doctor what she thinks about that on Monday. Something needs to change. I want something to feel good about besides the weight loss. I know I can do better, I just need to try. I wish I could get a job without all the interview stuff. Maybe that is why I should pursue the Eyeglass position. It will only be Mike who makes the decision, and I trust and like him a lot. He always makes me feel good and we have visited quite a bit during the past year or so. We have things in common that we always talk about. Mostly, I just like him as a person. I also talked to Mary Jo and she seemed happy that I might be coming to work there. I did not even think to ask what the position paid or if there were benefits. Sheesh, I am slipping.

Things are supposed to become clear to me by writing them down on paper. I did some drawing this past week too, it was relaxing and fun. No purpose only to see what comes out. Today I am reading a bit about the Life of a famous person. This person has been through more in her Life than anyone I know. There are things this book reveals that are really foder for my brain. It makes me know that I can do more than I am doing at this time. I can have purpose and affect others in a positive way. It is what I do. I just want to make a difference.

What has this to do with the title Winter? Not much only that it is taking place in the month of January when the winter doldrums usually tend to hit me. I am getting outside and getting some sun, so maybe I can beat the blues this year? I will give it my best shot!

Hope this finds you all well and that you too believe in yourselves. After all, it is all we really have! Take care of you and do something good for yourself. You are the only one who knows what you really need!

Hugs

Katie

January again

The weather started out rough this month, but then changed to very calm and sunny. We had more rain than anything. In December we had a lot of rain too. Thank goodness. It would have been very bad had we gotten snow instead.

This day is mild as was the past week. The weather people say there is regular winter weather on the way, however.

Larry is on his way home from work at noon. They stopped to see one of the Covered Bridges on the way home. The fellows who work with him have not been to any. I am glad they did that. I had a feeling to call him. I had a feeling he was already or near to on his way home. Now I have to go get on the machine or walk outside before he gets home. I wonder if he will want to go somewhere or stay home? We gad about a lot when he is around. I know we need a new Crockpot, so may go buy one later on, not sure.

The other day we got about 2 inches of snow in very little time. It was a small wave that went through. It was very lovely to see, and Alvin and I even got out in it for a bit for a short walk. That was fun, and would have gone further but had not dressed warm enough.

Have a good January! Spring will come again as it always does!
Good New Year and take care of YOU this year!

Katie

January of 2007

So much is happening. Time is moving so fast.

Hunter just turned One and is nearly walking.
Tyler is now 3 and so busy all the time! He is
so active and fun to be with.

I love talking to Jesse on line and on the phone.
She calls every day several times a day. She misses
us a lot I think. We miss her too. She is happy, that
is all that matters.

Jodee and Tyler came and spent 2 days with us just after
Christmas. Then I said I could watch Tyler a few days if
she and Jamie wanted some time together. He is SUCH a joy
to be with and I love him dearly. He kept saying, Do you
like me? You are my best friend, Hug me! Hold me! I have
so much time that it does my heart good to do just that!
Sometimes I did not take the time with my girls to just
sit and be with them. Aaaah regrets! I have few, but that
is one of them. That and words used in anger and frustration.
I hope I did not hurt them or change them too much. Words are
more harmful than hitting in that they can never be healed.
I think now looking back at my Life that I was like Tyler.
I needed extra comfort and love and hugging and holding.
Mom was working out side the home and giving her Love to
the other children in her classes as a teacher. I was always
wanting her to be that way with me, and she was always too
tired.

Now I realize being on the other side how that is not true.
Lives get busy. It does not mean we love each other less.
It just means we are busy. I thank God that I can stay home
and be with myself to learn more about me and what I am made
of and where I am supposed to go now. Maybe I am not supposed
to go anywhere. Maybe I am already there?

Thank you kind Spirit for giving me this knowledge and allowing
me to be grateful for the many blessings in my Life. Thank you
to the Doctors for helping me heal my physical pains. Also
thank you Spirit for giving me the courage to start making my
Body all that it was meant to be. Thank you for giving me the
courage to say no to the abuse I was doing to me by eating
and eating and then eating some more. Thank you for helping me
climb out from under that fat in time. Who knows how long I
would have lived had I not begun this journey.

We had a storm a few days ago. Jodee and Jetty got about 6 inches
of snow out that way. I think we got 3 or 4 here, some of which
has melted already. We stayed in on New Years Eve. We nearly
always do. If we go out, it is just somewhere to eat. Someday
I would love to go Dancing again, but have not asked Larry yet.
My days of Dancing with the Stars are over I fear. That said,
I am NOT giving up on that Dream. Nor the one of Singing. I now
do both here in my own home just plain enjoying and finding joy
in Life. I played Christmas music from the day after Thanksgiving
until the day after Christmas. Heck, I may still play it if the
mood hits me.

I am going to do my best not to get depressed after the Holidays
like a lot of folks do. Last year I did for about 3 weeks, then got
a hold of myself and shook it off. Life was good all year. Did not
have too many hard times. The problems I have had with my health
have been taken care of with changes in medicines. I now take 7
pills a day. I caught up with my Dad in only 2 years! I never
was the kind who wanted to rely on meds, but sometimes they
are needed.

Tomorrow I hope to get outside and get some walking done
in the fresh air. Even if it is for a few blocks, I will
do so. I need that fresh air and I am glad I live where
there is not a lot of pollution. Not yet. They are building
hog confinments closer all the time. When will people wake
up? When we have no water left?

Enough of that.

I will end this here. It was good to get back to blogging
again. I have not been doing much of it recently. I missed
it and will do my best not to wait so long before I write
again. Life is so busy, but it has become important to
me to put words to paper. It is nice to come back to and
read them again. They inspire me even if no one else ever
reads them!

Hang in there, YOU ARE Worthy!
Katie